[ mardi, septembre 21, 2004 ]
Psalm 25 16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. 17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. 18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. 19 See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! 20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
ann [8:25:00 AM]
[ vendredi, août 20, 2004 ]
school in T-minus three days...
*sigh. it's gonna be death.
ann [3:01:00 PM]
[ lundi, août 02, 2004 ]
so many times in my life i simply feel like people are leaving me...
for better things... or because i drove them away...
first dave, now tina. i'm so happy that she's living the dream that i've always had for her. my pride and joy. more than that, i'm glad that she didn't let things stifle her dreams and God's plan for her. it really is bittersweet though. (simeon said it well)
i hate people leaving my life.
maybe it's an abandonment complex.
my best friends are worthy of that chance to see how much more the world can be benefitted from knowing them. it's an honor to have them as my best friends. i should share. i don't want to. if marianne or loan leave me.. i'll kill them. seriously.
the average 18-19 year old is sad 3.6 days a month. i think i have had more than my share.
ann [1:01:00 AM]
[ jeudi, juillet 29, 2004 ]
it's funny...
these past two weeks have been filled with nothing but middle school adventures. it's all been exhausting and fun and crazy and stressful... but still so much to be in awe of.
d-camp
as an unknown camper last year i was free from all the groups and cliques that had already been formed: the praise team, the cool kids, the quiet ones, jocks, spiritual kids, blah blah, etc. With no previous ideas of these people it was so easy to pinpoint who belonged in what group. it made me kinda sad. camp is the last place you want to find yourself yearning to impress other kids.
this year as a counselor... i noticed the same thing among the middle schoolers. i was new... no one really knew who i was and that allowed me to have an objective view of everyone surrounding. even moreso than in high school, finding who you are and who your friends are engulf you in a kind of fear and state of immobility like nothing else in middle school.
i constantly asked the vbc kids if they were nervous about anything concerning camp and their answer was always, "i don't know anyone."
and what i was hearing was, "i don't know myself enough to know if people will like me."
it's rather intimidating coming into a camp of 200 kids who know somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody. everyone was connected somehow. the vbc kids didn't know a single soul there. some assimilate better than others i came to find out. they all have their methods of finding acceptance. the older girls found comfort in being scandalous, made up, more developed, eye catching. it's funny b/c i'm positive that they were the most self-conscious kids at camp. i wish i could convince them that their short shorts don't increase their value. other kids find comfort in knowing that they are funny... kevin was a big hit. dancing, yelling funny things... getting attention somehow. as long as attention toward what they were doing, it would hide the fact that they are just as scared as everyone else. there were the cool boys, who were bigger than most of the kids, hung out with the "hot" girls. they were real cool about everything they did, making sure not to get too excited about anything. there were the "academically inclined" kids that found themselves most at home among those that shared the same views on yu-gih-oh as they did. what's sadder is that i almost felt like they developed among themselves a hierarchy of groups. there were cliques people desired to be in more b/c it's cooler than another.
blah.
i don't think any of this will ever change anytime soon. *sigh.
so.. my experience at camp. (pardon that tangent) before camp.. i was entirely... just grieved b/c of this realization that despite claiming Christianity for seven years and actively serving and attending church for those seven years... i didn't know God like i thought i did. i knew who he was... i knew what he did for me... but i didn't know him in the quiteness of my room when i was alone. i felt like i had been living off of the gossip of him for as long as i can remember... and all that occurred prior.. what was it for? fraudulent living. *sigh. best and worst thing i could have ever come to realize in my life. there seems to be clear distinction between spirituality and religion. spirituality is comprised of all the warmth, love, faith, grace, brokenness, desperation from knowing Him. it's all the things that surpass knowing about the history. religion is knowing His promises, what he's done in the past, what he won't do again, how he answers. i lack in religion. there's that ever famous phrase, "Christianity is a relationship with God not just religion." true that. but you need that religion part. it's important to know that God promised his people certain things and said certain things. (i'm coming to learn all this from teaching vbs. )
camp.. it's coming up and i just realize i don't know God. what am i supposed to teach these girls? how to find out that you don't know anything? who am i to counsel anyone?
fasting. so humbling. so difficult. so much grace.
i prayed a lot for d-camp, as many of the people i know did. to be honest... my most frequent prayer was that the kids have fun. so much fun that they'll be hooked. that they'll go next year. that they'll rant and rave about how much fun it was to everyone that asked them about it. and judging from just the first day God answered that prayer. but by the second day.. i was grieved even more. despite the assurance that i was "the best counselor ever" (that really made me happy to hear) i didn't feel like i offered much to these girls besides my enthusiasm and wacky ideas. they had fun with me. but did they feel God at all? could they get over the idea of playing long enough to really get something from God?
i'm still wondering about all this.
camp fire night... i was aching so badly. filled to the brim with joy at the sight of kids praising God but trembling with lamentation at the thought of them thinking for years and years that they know God and finding one fateful day... that they don't. i've never been so emotional confused. it's not natural to feel both at the same time... is it? i just... really really really really really really want them to know God. really. and not just know of him.. not hear about him... but feel Him inside moving things around.
i got the honor of leading timothy to Christ. i hope i did it right. i hope his life changes into a crazy ride he'll never want to get off. i hope he sees things change, good or bad. i hope he is determined to be a revoluationary.
i also got the honor of praying for sam's rededication. hearing him say that he didn't feel like God wanted him to was a real moment of sincerity. i hope that sam is actively trying to change his life. or actively allowing God to change his life. i hope that conviction will always get to him.
despite none of my girls coming to the alter call, i'll have faith that something stuck out to them. that the sermons weren't just funny but that they were really convicted and blessed. that the praise wasn't just cool or rockin' but allowed them to lift their joys and sorrows to God. to connect.
camp is over. i'm still thinking about the things i could've done better or what i should've said and done. i'm still thinking about all the kids that challenged us to bring forth our faith. i'm still laughing about how innocent and hilarious middle schoolers can be. i'm still crying about the idea someone leaving empty handed and empty hearted. *sigh. camp life.
ann [1:45:00 PM]
[ lundi, juillet 12, 2004 ]
a fellow "you got served" enthusiast wrote on a message board:
kURTkRISTdAVE
THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD! THE ACTING AND SCRIPT AND DIRECTING AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS 100 TIMES BETTER THEN THE GODFATHER OR CITIZEN KANE. ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A STUPID KNOB AND THEY SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A PELLET GUN. BWA HA HA. KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB KNOB
ann [11:14:00 AM]
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